hey ladies. i’d like to say a few things to you both. i am so thankful that i have you to vent to. in the past month i have been the most emotionally stable i have ever been and you have let me bitch, cry and lean on you. i am very thankful and grateful. even still i am having the hardest time, i hate the lonely that is my heart right now. i am however in love with the support i have. i know that this is a long road for me to hoe and i know it will be rocky but i promise i will try to not bother you so much with my stupidity. i love you both.

it still hurts. even if i’m smiling. being fake is tiring. 

i think i did a good job today acting as if nothing was wrong. i went up to ben and without  flinching mad conversation. i didnt act as if anything was different. i just dud what i did, i kind of think he felt like i was giving him the cold shoulder or maybe he didnt care either way… but for me it was a victory. i managed to have a conversation with him and not break down in tears! another small victory. i think im gonna be ok. now. if i could only make him realize hes an idiot for not loving me… stupid boy!

He high road… A road less traveled by me. So I’m trying a little thing with this . I am hell bent on not losing my friend and will do anything to keep that from happening. I believe it will be a hell of a fight but I’m tough, and I don’t give up on friends so easily!

I woke up this morning sure that I was going to be positive about my life. The longer I sit here on my couch the more hurt I feel, the more anxiety I have and the worse my soul aches. I had everything I could of ever wanted and he stole it all away. How does anyone expect me to be ok with that? Fuck. I was doing so good.

i pray that i fall asleep and if i do, i hope i can get through the night without seeing your face.

nothing is as terrifying as going on facebook. i am in constant fear that i will be reminded that he’s happy with someone else but i cant bring myself to unfriend him. 

its funny. posting on here is making me feel better, sorry you guys have to see it.